Friday, October 22, 2010

Doubts of life

I'm trying to live a better life, but there have always been obstacles, difficulties, challenges and mistimed chances. I'm less and less sure what kind of future I'm working hard for. This is a crazy world, and I'm fed up with it. Nice thing seldom happens, and every day I try hard to persuade myself to live on, to keep going. But to when? When will be the end? And where should I go? I try to leave those questions unanswered and enjoy the life as much as possible, but I can't make it. No one actually cares about how I think and what kind of future I'd like to have. They all want me to live as most people have lived. I don't want to, but what can I do other than surrendering? Nothing can prevent us from dying, just as nothing can prevent me from thinking. But thinking simply brings me more pains than happiness. I just can't stop it. I'm totally human, a society living and still lacks enough courage to ignore all others' opinions. I have not my own choice, or I dare not to make my own choice.

Why do I have to think so much of life? Can't I just like the life in the same way others like it? I don't know. My life was given by my parents, but who gave me my thoughts? I'm struggling everyday and telling myself that I can be like anyone else, I will have a better life and I will enjoy it. No, no one can promise a better life, and I can't promise I will enjoy it. Because It's not what I want. Frustration is a good word, but it still is not enough to describe my situation. This world should not survive, the human beings are destroying themselves, and I'm not afraid of that at all. I'm looking forward to a new form of life, and I hope myself to leave this world earlier than all others, as I have no interest in improving it. It's decayed, it's evil, and it's not worth saving. Let it be destroyed, and we will all get freed.

No choice when a life was brought to the world. No one cares if it likes to come to earth. It cried but everyone else was just happy for seeing a new victim of the cruel world. When it's grown up enough to have its own thoughts, it's already totally controlled by the thoughts it was taught while growing up. Everyone is given a goal, which is always hard to reach but looks attractive, tempting and seems to be the final meaning of our life. But is it true? Anyone ever doubts it would have to face the doubts from the whole world. What's more tragic is that, I still choose to obey even if I know I'm just a victim of the society, the cruel world, the unreasonable human rules.

It's strange, imperative and unreasonable world, which is occupied by human beings, the most unlikely earth creatures. I doubt but I have no courage to challenge as I myself is one of them. I do wrongs like many others do. I have tried hard to live a common life. Work, get married, have a family and get old and die. But someone deep in my mind keeps telling me not to live such a boring life. She tells me that changes must be made even if that would make my life harder. I am confused and not sure what to do to make myself happier. Everything done was for benefits, and I know such concept must be wrong. I should do certain things not for benefits, but for something I feel happy for. What's that? What on earth am I living for? There must be some kind of mission, otherwise why do I have to live on? And why ending my current life sounds unacceptable and unreasonable? Call me a coward as you like, but I never fear dying. I just feel guilty for ending the life myself, as if it's not mine but was given by someone else. If so, then, who am I? Where is the real me? The body or the mind? Or something else in other parts? I doubt, and questions without answers drive me crazy. I have a feeling that I should find something in myself, but have no idea how. I may be not one of them. I may come from a different planet. I don't know. I may just wrongly consider myself special.

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

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